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10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

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  • 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

    A Marine co-worker sent this to me since I might be having a girl (still don't know and it's 2 days late).

    -----------------------------------

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends
    are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
    object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my hot glue gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    You may think that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
    T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
    going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
    should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

  • #2
    Excellent. I have three daughters. I've just printed your post and intend to keep it on my front door for the next 20 years or so. Good luck with your imminent arrival.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by daran:
      <STRONG>Good luck with your imminent arrival.</STRONG>
      Thank you very much!

      They've moved the induction up to this Thurday. WOOHOO!! I'm gonna be a daddy, I'm gonna be a daddy!!

      Comment


      • #4
        wheres my cigar??

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by 10-13:
          <STRONG>wheres my cigar??</STRONG>
          Heh!

          This is not the same, but here: http://www.cigarmonthclub.com/sendavirtual.htm

          Just pretend that I had sent it to you.

          ----------
          She woke me up this morning with semi-regular contractions. We're timing them as I type this.

          Comment


          • #6
            Just remember to NOT send the one that Clinton threw out !
            Education is nothing without experience to back it up.

            Comment


            • #7
              dkiefner posted this list a while back and I've passed it around a lot. Unfortunately, I think the thread is now gone. So thanks for putting it up again.

              Comment


              • #8
                LOL i like that I have two daughters of my own the oldest being 11 so I am getting close to that whole dating scene.

                Klar
                Are you a Veteran? If so join AMVETS the only organization that accepts all vets no matter when or where they served. Contact me for more info.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I was looking at these old posts and thought this was hysterical. Buth they forgot #11.

                  #11.> That little girl is my life, and if you have any thoughts of doing anything that I do not approve of remember this, I have no problem going BACK to prison.
                  "I see dumb people"

                  If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are rotten,
                  either write things worth reading or do things worth the writing.--Benjamin Franklin

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by DNR Ofcr
                    I was looking at these old posts and thought this was hysterical. Buth they forgot #11.

                    #11.> That little girl is my life, and if you have any thoughts of doing anything that I do not approve of remember this, I have no problem going BACK to prison.
                    HAHA that's a good one. but guys you have to go easy, i'm 18 and it's tough for guys when you have a girlfriends that has crazy father and/or brothers. Especially if they enforced those rules I went to pick my last girlfriend up on our first offical date and made the simple mistake of just pulling in front of the house and using the horn. One of her brothers called my phone and told me to come to the door and when I did the other pulled me in held a 9mm to my chest and made me go to the basement with him. Needless to say i got a long lecture from all 3 of them. Then I was aloud to leave after strict warning, they were all laughing i guess i just didn't get the joke.
                    Advice to anyone who finds themselves in the situation when her brother asks what her favor beer is don't anwser its a trick question. By the way her brother is a marine and that's why he had the gun, he's not really crazy.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Anyone who puts a gun on someone else should have their head examined, at the very least. Guns are not toys, or props used in a joke - they can kill. How many times I have gotten calls that people accidentally shot something because they didn't realize the gun is loaded.
                      I find that story hard to swallow.
                      If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers. -- Homer Simpson

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                      • #12
                        I don't have a daughter but I feel they will come in handy for my son too!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          13th rule..

                          I have an 18 year old daughter...so here is my thirteenth rule..

                          #13.
                          Should you do anything to hurt my little girl, just remember, I'm a cop. I also have 200 acres, a shotgun and a shovel. Ain't NO-ONE ever gonna find the body!!

                          (I acutally used this line once. Poor kid never came back...heh, heh, heh.)
                          Pain....nature's way of letting us know we're still alive!!!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Ah, now I remember why I didn't do much dating in high school!
                            JB
                            Romans 13:1-5

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                            • #15
                              Well, I agree with all of those above mentioned requirements and rules. I also want to add. It is not the ones that look or act like they would violate them. It is the ones that DONT. If a boy is half intelligent he wont make those mistakes and will lull you into a state of complacency. DONT BE FOOLED. HeHeHe
                              - Chris
                              --------------------------------

                              'Rookies try to shine there badge to perfection while Veterans try to hide there badge from the public'

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