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Haynes Manuals: Glossary Of Terms

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  • Haynes Manuals: Glossary Of Terms

    Haynes Manual; Glossary of Terms

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    For those of you who may consider some DIY work on their car, or bike, you may find this a useful companion to the Haynes manual!......

    Haynes Translation

    Rotate anticlockwise: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with
    hammer anticlockwise

    Should remove easily: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with
    adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    This is a snug fit: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable
    spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    This is a tight fit: Not a hope in hell matey! .Clamp with adjustable
    spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Apply moderate heat: This needs something more than placing your mouth near it and huffing; but unless you have a blast furnace to heat it up until glowing red, don't bother. Use a hacksaw or clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer

    Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer

    As described in Chapter 7: Look at the scary photos of the inside of a gearbox in Chapter 7

    Pry: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Undo: Buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

    Ease: Apply superhuman strength to ...

    Retain tiny spring: A small object will fly past you and nearly take your eye out

    Press and rotate to remove bulb: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

    Lightly: Start off lightly and when the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual.

    Weekly checks: Disregard. (If it isn't broken don't fix it ..)

    Routine maintenance: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    One spanner rating: (simple) Your Mum/sister/girlfriend could do this (so how did you manage to botch it up?)

    Two spanner rating: You may think that you can do this ... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (which, as it so happens, would have been more use to you)

    Three spanner rating: (intermediate) Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start

    Four spanner rating You really are seriously considering this aren't you?

    Five spanner rating: (expert) Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company. If not, you can
    fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

    Compress: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath

    Inspect: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
    I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

    Carefully: You are about to cut yourself

    Retaining nut: Big spherical blob of rust

    Get an assistant: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
    know

    Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal But you swear in different
    places

    Prise away plastic locating pegs Snap off...

    Using a suitable drift or pin-punch Not the biggest nail in your tool
    box

    Everyday toolkit: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Index: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want

    Replace old gasket with a new one: Bodge using linoleum, a sheet of plastic, or even cardboard

    Grease well before refitting Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to WalMart to buy some Castrol grease

    See illustration for details The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model
    How would you like a long stretch inside?? and i aint talking about a prison sentence

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