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World's Best Divorce Letter

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  • World's Best Divorce Letter

    World's Best Divorce Letter

    Dear Sandy:
    I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each
    other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't
    Wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk
    to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy
    in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first
    one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always
    you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my
    pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has
    cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I
    don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad
    anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long
    as one of us does.

    Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as
    they hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no
    one like you, Sandy." I look for you in the eyes and
    breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
    They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl
    at Olivia's and brought her home with me. I don't say
    this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

    She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect
    bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice
    skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.
    Tits like you wouldn't believe and an *** that just
    wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat
    on your couch being blown by this stunner, I thought,
    look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

    What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better
    in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm
    getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she
    have a better heart than my moderately attractive
    Sandy? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

    I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
    Later, after I tossed her about a half a pint of
    throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel
    so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless
    technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but
    something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did
    it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't
    feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do
    you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without
    you. Jesus, Sandy, I'm just going crazy without you.
    And everything I do just reminds me of you.

    Do you remember Kim, that single mom we met at the
    Little League field a few years ago? Well, she dropped
    by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
    figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
    I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

    Anyway, we had a few beers and the next thing you
    know, we're banging away in our bedroom. And this
    chick is a total monster in the sack. She's giving me
    everything, you know, like a real woman does when
    she's not hung up about her weight or her career and
    whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she
    spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old
    vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
    it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally
    hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help
    thinking, "Why didn't Sandy ever put the mirror on the
    floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,
    and we never used it as a sex toy."

    Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the
    restraining order. I mean, Lee's just a kid and all,
    but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and
    she's been a real friend to me during this painful
    time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and
    about women in general. She's pulling for us to get
    back together, Sandy, she really is. So we're doing
    Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
    happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same
    DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
    looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

    And then it turns out Lee's really into the whole anal
    thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I
    pressured you about trying it and how that probably
    fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you
    see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby
    sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you.
    It's true, Sandy. In your heart you must know it.
    Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
    the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

    If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

    If not, would you let me know where you hid the ****ing remote?

    Love, Wayne

  • #2
    Letter of divorce


    Dear Husband

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
    good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
    for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
    you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
    and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
    negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
    sleep after watching the game.

    You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
    anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what
    ever the case is I'm gone.

    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
    moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Your EX-Wife


    Dear Ex-Wife

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
    that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
    woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much
    to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

    I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
    thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother
    raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

    When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
    with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
    went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
    price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
    had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
    R49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
    work it out.

    So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
    dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when
    I got home youwere gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope
    you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter
    that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
    born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
    If you run, you'll only go to jail tired

    Comment


    • #3
      Great letter i,ve read this before.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by NJladyGlock21
        World's Best Divorce Letter

        Dear Sandy:
        I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each
        other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't
        Wait anymore.....
        Sweet. Like this one a lot, Lady.....makes me wonder a little about your weekends, though....
        "It's not how far the shot was; it's how close you were able to get."

        --Jeff Cooper

        Comment

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