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    Sunday's Sermon was - Forgive Your Enemies.

    Toward the end of the services, the Minister
    asked the congregation, "How many of you
    have forgiven your enemies?"
    80% held up their hands.
    The Minister then repeated his question.
    All responded this time, except one small
    elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not
    willing to forgive your enemies?"
    "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
    "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How
    old are you?"
    "Ninety-eight." she replied.
    "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come
    down in front & tell us all how a person
    can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered
    down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
    "I outlived the bitches."

  • #2

    I wish I knew this concept years ago.....
    You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!
    A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
    A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I
    want out of life is four little animals".
    The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would
    that be sugar?"
    The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the
    garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
    The teacher fainted.


    • #3

      Believe it or not you can read it .....

      I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg the
      phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at
      Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia

      Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt


      • #4
        Originally posted by Irene Levy
        Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia

        It's not appropriate to call it Typoglycemia

        Typo- Mispelt word

        glyc- sugar

        -emia Condition of the blood

        So it means Mispelt word sugar of the blood? How is that appropriate?

        Check it out here


        • #5
          When it comes to forgiveness, I always liked the war prayer. (You have to read all the way to the bottom before it's funny.)

          O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet!

          We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
          Going too far is half the pleasure of not getting anywhere


          • #6
            A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their encounters, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
            provide child support until the child turned 18.
            She agreed, but asked how we would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
            One day, about nine months later, he came home to a very confused wife. Honey, she said, You received a very strange postcard today". Oh just give it to me and I'll explain it, he said. The wife complied and watched as her husband
            read the card, turned white and fainted.
            On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without".


            • #7
              Little Jonny is sitting in his math class when the teacher asks a question.

              "If you have three birds pearched on a wire and a hunter shoots one with a rifle how many will be left?"

              Little jonny raises his hand and answers "Zero"

              The teacher replied "No, want to try again?"

              Jonny "Nope...it's still zero. The birds would hear the sound of the rifle and fly away."

              The teacher replied "Well Jonny I was looking for two as the answer one minus three is two...but I like the way you think."

              Later that day while at reeses Jonny flags down the teacher and points at three ladies sitting at a park bench.

              "Hey teach there are three women sitting on that bench eating icecream one is biting her's, one is licking hers and the other is sucking on it. Which one is not married?"

              The teacher looks at the three, thinks about it a while and replies "The one sucking on hers."

              Little Jonny looks up at her teacher and says "No, it's the one without a wedding ring...but I like the way you think."


              • #8
                LMAO!!! Im trying to think of more....


                • #9
                  The skydiver jumps from the plane and his chute won't open. His emergency one won't open either. His figures this is it.

                  He sees another man on the way up to the sky. He asks, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

                  The other man says, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"
                  Aude Sapere


                  • #10
                    Thank you all. You will never know how much I needed that laugh!



                    • #11
                      A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
                      The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
                      The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, *******?"


                      • #12
                        One day at at a catholic elementary school, the nun asks everyone to tell the class what their mother does. Some say stay at home mom, some say businesswoman, but when it comes to little jonny he says

                        "my mommy is a prostitute"

                        Of course the nun is shocked by the answer and is utterly speachless for a few minutes, finally she asks jonny "what did you just say young man!?!"

                        "I said my mommy is a prostitute"

                        The nun is visably relieved and says "oh I thought you said she was a protestant".
                        Illegitimi non carborundum - Don't let the bastards grind you down.


                        • #13
                          A Guy's Perspective

                          A GUY'S PERSPECTIVE
                          At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys'
                          side of the story.
                          (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
                          We always hear "the rules"
                          From the female side.
                          Now here are the rules from the male side.
                          These are our rules!
                          Please note... these are all numbered "1"
                          ON PURPOSE!

                          1. Men ARE not mind readers.
                          1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
                          You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
                          We need it up, you need it down.
                          You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

                          1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
                          Let it be.

                          1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
                          And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

                          1. Crying is blackmail.

                          1. Ask for what you want.
                          Let us be clear on this one:
                          Subtle hints do not work!
                          Strong hints do not work!
                          Obvious hints do not work!
                          Just say it!

                          1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

                          1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
                          That's what we do.
                          Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

                          1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

                          1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
                          In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

                          1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
                          act like soap opera guys.

                          1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
                          Don't ask us.

                          1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
                          makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

                          1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done,
                          not both.
                          If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

                          1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

                          1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

                          1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings
                          Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
                          have no idea what mauve is.

                          1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
                          We do that.

                          1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
                          nothing's wrong.
                          We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

                          1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
                          you don't want to hear.

                          1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

                          1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
                          discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

                          1. You have enough clothes.

                          1. You have too many shoes.

                          1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

                          1. Thank you for reading this.
                          Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
                          But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


                          • #14
                            Are My Jewels Black?

                            Are My Jewels Black?

                            A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
                            A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

                            "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

                            Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
                            your hands and feet."

                            He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

                            Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
                            hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says,
                            "There's nothing wrong with them!"

                            Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,

                            "That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"


                            • #15
                              Nun there...

                              Sitting Behind A Couple Of Nuns At A Baseball Game
                              (whose Habits Partially Blocked The View),

                              Three Men Decided To Badger The Nuns In An Effort To Get Them To Move.

                              In A Very Loud Voice, The First Guy Said, "i Think I'm Going To Move
                              To Utah, There Are Only 100 Nuns Living There."

                              The Second Guy Spoke Up And Said, "i Want To Go To Montana, There Are
                              Only 5o Nuns Living There."

                              The Third Guy Said, "i Want To Go To Idaho, There Are Only 25 Nuns
                              Living There."

                              One Of The Nuns Turned Around, Looked At The Men, And In A Very Sweet,
                              Calm, Voice Said, "why Don't You Go To Hell ... There Aren't Any Nuns


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