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Common Tools Defined

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  • Common Tools Defined

    For all you handymen and women out there......

    1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted door which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

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    2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    "Oh s**t..."

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    3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

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    4. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

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    5. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

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    6. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

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    7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

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    8. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

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    9. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

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    10. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Especially useful to the manufacturer of burn aid medicine and bandages/gauze.

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    11. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity, and stomach's for pliability. Meets the AMA standard for rib and heart reconstructive surgery standards.

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    12. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, while trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

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    13. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

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    14 .E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

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    15. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

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    16. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

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    17.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
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    18. METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

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    19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

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    20. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

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    21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

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    22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

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    23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also to make fingernail removal easy after only a single blow.

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    24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Can be especially useful for slicing work clothes and hands, but only while in use.

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    25. ANY BATTERY POWERED PORTABLE SAW OR DRILL: Used for those who wish to strengthen only their leg muscle as they climb up and down the ladder several times only to find out that each rechargeable battery is deader than the last one that you brought up. Makes a good weapon for the "pool toss game" you've just invented.

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    27. SHOP APRON: An cloth instrument of death and destruction caused by either strangulation as the apron wraps around the above named tools, or a cloth instrument that only hold the sharpest of instruments that pierce skin rapidly when you reach inside to find the one screw that you know is right side up. Can protect your clothing except those areas where oil, grease, fire, and non-erasable fluids will strike.

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    28. EXTENSION CORD: Originally created by the grandparents of those children who invented the RUBIX CUBE or OPEN FACE FISHING REEL, and Dr. Sigmund Freud to see how much aggravation any one man will take before he uses language that scares even a seasoned Marine. It's main objective is to either catch on anything that is welded, screwed, tied down or manufactured, and is especially noted for it's ability to not be quite long enough to reach the spot you brought the cord there to help. If folded twice, it can pull the garbage can to the curb.

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    29. FUNNELS: Mechanically created to fit well inside the can that is to be filled until you pour the first ounce. At that time, the black hole of air moves that funnel tip well out of the can's opening and places it firmly onto the floor or the good shoes of the pourer. Can often be used as a scoop for dog poop when bags are not available.

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    30. CRESCENT WRENCH: @#\$%^&*( )*&^%$#@#$%^&*&% tool used for inducing MUCH hand and knuckle pain.

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    31. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    Renegade

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    It's not the size of the man in the fight, but the fight in the man!!!!!!!!!
    " Not Sure Who Said It"

  • #2
    Originally posted by RenegadeRabbit View Post
    7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    --
    Capital Punishment means never having to say "you again?"

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